Kalamazoo Places Amber Heard Would Never Visit

With a lot of hard-to-watch stuff going on in the news right now, it’s nice to have a distraction that can at least mildly entertain us why for a bit, which is this Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial has been such a viral sensation on the internet.

Now, that’s not to say that the subject matter behind the lawsuit isn’t some serious business… but let’s be honest, there’s some absolute gold coming out of that courtroom for meme content, and sound bites. It gives us a little bit of an insight into the people on trial, including Heard, who, until recently, I actually didn’t know much about. But as I learn more, I’m discovering I want to avoid her at all costs. So in the off-chance she ever does happen to visit Kalamazoo, here are some places you can stay safe from seeing her face.

Out in Nature (Bee Country)

Kalamazoo Nature Center

Kalamazoo Nature Center

Quite possibly, the most meme’d moment from the trial (at least on tik tok) has to be when Amber was talking about her dog…

@jovahnsimmons2 I had to do it #mydogstepsonthebee #amberchains#ambermeme #ambermydogstepsonthebee#amberheardmemes #amberface ♬ original sound – Jovahn Simmons

I still have no idea what that “face” was that she made, but Amber’s clearly not a fan of bees, so why not go where the bees are! The Kalamazoo Nature Center has a ton of great outdoor areas to take in all that mother nature has to offer. You also might see a few bees pollinating in the middle of town at the Urban Nature Park, or hit up the Kleinstuck Preserve and Nature Trail, maintained and managed by Western Michigan University. Really, any outdoor area in the spring and summer with flowers and foliage, you’re guaranteed not to see Amber.


Kalamazoo River (and other water features)

The last thing Amber needs to be reminded of, is being cut completely from the upcoming Aquaman 2 movie. (Might actually make it better). So, chances are, she’s staying FAR away from any water features, and the Kalamazoo area is riddled with creeks, rivers, ponds, marshes, and lakes. I’m told you can’t fish in it, but the Kalamazoo River is still very pretty if you’re walking parts of it through town. Also, walking Arcadia Creek from the Arcadia Creek Festival Place by the Museum is a nice little stroll. Head out east to Galesburg and hop on Morrow Lake, or Head south to Portage, and you can hang out on West Lake, Long Lake, Gourdneck Lake, and Austin Lake.


Civic Auditorium, and the Kalamazoo State Theater

Townsquare Media

Townsquare Media

Clearly, Amber’s having trouble in the courtroom maintaining a straight face… or even a consistent face (see the “bee” tik tok above). Pretty clear her acting skills are NOT in top form, so it’s pretty obvious, she’s not gonna spend any time around a REAL actor’s space. The Kalamazoo State Theater would be a good place to keep far away from Amber. Primarily, this has been a performance hall for comedians and performing artists, but truthfully, they’re all better actors than Amber anyway. For more traditional acting, you’ve got the Civic Center with a performance of Newsies coming up in the fall.


The Kalamazoo Public Library

Kalamazoo Public Library

Kalamazoo Public Library

This one primarily is meant for Amber’s legal team more than anything. Clearly, they’ve learned how to pronounce words and put them into a sentence, but have trouble grasping context. They might BENEFIT from a trip to the Kalamazoo Public Library, and should probably take part in their 2022 Summer Reading Challenge. (It’s meant for K-12 students, but… I mean…). The library also has any number of other summer programs – some geared toward adults, too – that might stimulate Heard’s legal team a bit, and MAYBE, they’ll slip into the DIY section, and find something they can do better than be a lawyer . (Might not be that big of a stretch.)


Furniture/Mattress stores

It’s not so much that she doesn’t WANT to be there, more that nobody is going to let her in. She has a history of some “bed-related” instances that might get her turned away from even the most accepting of bed stores.

Bottom line, Amber Heard probably wouldn’t ever show her face in Kalamazoo, which is fine by us. BUT, in the long-shot that she ever does, you can at least know where to avoid her.

10 Things You Should Never Do In Kalamazoo

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